Tales from the Diaper Bag



My induction (cue ‘Jaws’ theme song)

Well, I can’t believe it. I was going to be induced on the 19th. My doctor called today and said that she now has to be out of town on the 19th and we will need to move up the induction to as early as the 12th.  I. Am. Freaked. Out.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m beyond terrified about giving birth.  I hadn’t even gotten it in my head that I was going to have her on the 19th. As I had planned to still be working on the 12th, I am now COMPLETELY unprepared. When I got my doctor’s phone message I actually burst into hysterical laughter. The 12th?  I don’t think so. 

So I know you’re thinking, “Too bad friend. You’re having that baby pronto. No avoiding it now.”  Yeah, well, no kidding. Except that I think there’s a chance that when I get the hospital and see the bed, medical equipment, and hospital staff, I’ll make a break for it and run out of the hospital.  I hope those maternity nurses are on their game—I’m big, but I’m surprisingly quick.

Ok, so I clearly need a coping mechanism, right?  After consulting with my resident psychology expert (google), I found a site on systematic desensitization, which appears to work for a lot of people with phobias. Essentially, you’re suppossed to make sure that you’re in a relaxed state and then imagine the situation that gives you anxiety for a period of time. More relaxation follows.  This process is usually overseen by a psychologist and can be quite complex.  Really, I don’t have the time for that. Or the attention span. Scratch that.

But desensitization gave me an idea. Today I took a long nap, then watched a couple of episodes of “The Baby Diaries” and ‘Birth Day” and then took a nap again. I may have found a brand-new coping method that works for me– replacing fear with my pregnancy-induced annoyance at the world around me– specifically with other people.  While watching the baby shows, I found myself focusing more on the irritating parents on the show rather than the medical procedures.

For example, one father introduced himself on the show as a “litigating lawyer.”  That’s just stupid. Call yourself a litigator. Call yourself a lawyer.  A litigating lawyer? Dumb. It’s like saying “I’m a building construction worker.” For that matter, I thought it was pretty toolish to even introduce the topic of his profession in a show about the birth of his child. Who cares? Strike three was when he had the nerve to complain that his wife didn’t give him much to do during the labor process. Uh, dude? Newsflash: It’s not really about you.  I found that guy so irritating that I just scowled at him while his wife gave birth, without pain medication, in what appeared to be a 12 hour labor and delivery. 

Considering that a few months ago “The Baby Story” made me weep until I was a snotty mess, I’m encouraged that my feeling after viewing these episodes was just general annoyance. Maybe I can carry that with me into the delivery room. Instead of crying through contractions, I’ll focus on how grating I find the nurse’s Minnesota accent. Instead of being mortified about how many people are seeing me naked from the waist down, I’ll concentrate on the tacky room decor. There’s a slim possibility that my snarkiness may be saving grace.

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Comments

  1. * Margaret says:

    OMG, less than two weeks! I guess we could try to think of it as more exciting than scary? But the nap plan seems to work really well. And you know that you will NOT be obnoxious like those people on the tv shows. You and Mike will be super-parents!

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 7 months ago


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